Tips From the Big House

Nursing provides great educational opportunities for nurses within the workplace environment. This nurse is about to learn a valuable lesson about taking care of patients locked up behind bars.

Note to self: Never turn your back on a creepy looking prison inmate.

I have a simple philosophy about life. Every person that I care for is my teacher. I learn a lot of life lessons while I’m at work. Some of the most entertaining information comes from former prison inmates. They like nurses, too, and they have given me some great insider information over the years about how to survive in prison if I should ever find myself locked up behind bars. Here are two important tips in case you ever land in jail.

Tip #1: Prisons are like any other type of real estate. Location counts.

According to former inmates, not all jails are created equal. It’s all about location, location, location. Make sure that you do your illegal activities in rich neighborhoods, and that you get locked up in an upscale jurisdiction, or in a town just like Mayberry. Rich people can afford to build nicer jails that include access to updated computers and exercise equipment, and people like Sheriff Andy Taylor always make sure that there are clean sheets on the beds. One patient, who spent most of his adult life in jail told me that he preferred doing time in the same prison system that served as Paris Hilton’s temporary residence a few years ago. My patient thought that Paris was a wimp. He said that she had no idea how good she had it while she was in jail. He also told me that some VIP correctional centers offer prisoners the option of paying for upgraded accommodations. These perks include clean sheets everyday, clean semiprivate bathrooms, and better food.

Tip #2: Always make friends with the person in your jail block that works in the prison kitchen.

I’ve been told that it’s really important to make friends with inmates who work in the prison kitchen. This is because they save the best food and leftovers for themselves, and for their best friends. Good food is a commodity in the big house, just like cigarettes. I bet that Martha Stewart was the most popular girl in the jailhouse.

Email me from your fancy prison if you ever get locked up. I’ll ask Martha to bake you one of her famous prison cakes. Martha’s cake is just the thing for a jailbreak. They are stuffed with a cream filling and a metal file.